Answering Machine

My mother, a master of guilt trips, showed me a photo of herself waiting by a phone that never rings. 'Mum.
I call all the time,' I said. 'If you had an answering machine, you'd know.' Soon my brother installed one for her. When I called the next time, I got her machine: 'If you're a salesperson, press one. If you're a friend, press two. If you're my daughter who never calls, press 000 because the shock will probably give me a heart attack.' (SS Balducci)